Hi. Hey. Bet you thought you'd seen the last of us, huh? Don't be discouraged by the short timestamp - I don't want to spoil the surprise, but we've got a big announcement for y'all...

Welcome back listeners! John Green’s manic pixie dream girl fantasies continue this week as Quintin tries to track down his childhood best friend Margo, who may or may not be entirely made of paper (gross). Featuring philosophical cops, tips for breaking and entering, and the Fiery Rage of Veet. TW: Brief mentions of suicide. If you like The Worst …

Welcome back everyone! This week, Evie is ready to take on the supernatural world with her pink bedazzled taser and her stiletto boots. The only thing she isn’t prepared for is Lend: the slippery paranormal boy who slides his way into Evie’s heart (and her surrogate mother’s skin). Featuring vampire slander, copyright questions, and some very quest…

SEQUEL EPISODE: (5, 11, 17, 23, 29, 35) Better late than never? Welcome back to our longest running series to date, listeners. We’ve got fairies, we’ve got ghost children, we’ve got... really, really terrible accents. Zoey’s spirit is shattered, the Italy gang has a lot of thoughts on Barbies, and Stevie Rae is really getting into birds. CW: Murder…

Come along, listeners, as we solve the mystery of Jack the Ripper (and encounter the best ending to a book we’ve found thus far on the podcast)! Girlboss Audrey Rose is not afraid of dead bodies, serial killers, or hot guys who frequently mention drinking blood. Featuring some red flags to look for if you think your boyfriend might be a murderer/va…

SEQUEL EPISODE: (33) This book might not answer our biggest questions, like “What even is sorting,” or “Is Cassia a half-robot,” but it’s chock full of… other stuff. Like the reinvention of therapy, and a list of people who might be the Pilot. Spoiler alert: everyone is on that list. Including you. Congratulations, you’re now leading a rebellion ag…

Listeners, if you’ve been with us since the beginning, you know how near and dear the Selection series is to us. But what about the book that started it all? Kahlen is half Little Mermaid, half Criminal Minds bad guy, and all she wants is a break from her terrible, horrible life as a perfect immortal sea goddess. Enter Akinley, a teenage boy who li…

The worst book of all worst books has entered the ring, listeners! If you haven’t heard Savanah complaining about The Notebook, you might be new around here. To summarize, we’ve got toxic love tropes, old people sex, and the incredible, incredible hubris of N*cholas Sp*rks. Plus, sexy abstract painting and how to know when it’s time to let go of th…

SEQUEL EPISODE: (6, 12, 18, 24, 30) Harry Potter who? In this final installment to one of our OG series, Juliette the horcrux and her evil mermaid sister attempt to save the day with The Power of Algorithms. Also included: fun interior design tips, evil bakers, and Warner’s strip tease of love. CW: Murder, violence, gore, body horror, brief referen…

SEQUEL EPISODE: (5, 11, 17, 23, 29) Dearest listeners- thank you for your patience. Like 2021, we’re coming out swinging, and we’re so excited to share this year’s lineup with you! This week we return to your favorite sexy vampire school, where Zoey discovers the feng shui of Jesus, high literature Doctor Suess, and the sixth element: guns. Also, b…

For all you listeners who survived Friday the 13th: welcome back! Bundle up, grab something warm to drink, and join us for a love story made of mutual stalking and uncomfortable email threads. Also includes: shoulder biting with strangers AND free tickets to the Singles Garden! TW: Stalking, brief references to domestic abuse and eating disorders T…

Matched has been our most-requested episode to date, dear listeners: ask and you shall receive! Cassia has a mind like a steel trap and a penchant for following the rules. When an unanticipated love triangle disrupts her perfect dystopian life in Communist Utah, who will she choose? Xander, who likes Games, or Kai, who has eyes like everything bage…

SEQUEL: (Connected eps 2, 7, 14, 26) Welcome, Selection Nation, to the shocking conclusion of a series very near and dear to us. Don’t fear your hearts, listeners. Follow them. Let them inspire you to commit treason. (Just... so much treason.) Who’s ready for risky business in the palace? TW: Brief reference to child abuse Thank you to anyone who d…

SEQUEL(?): (Connected eps 1, 8, 13, 19) A bit of a longer episode this week for our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY! Woot woot! As you may know, our pal Steph has graced us with 658 pages of new (?) content, and we didn’t want to leave out anything important. Join us for this fun experiment in character assassination and angsty inner dialogue as Edward Melodr…

SEQUEL: (Previous eps 6, 12, 18, 24) Welcome back listeners! Have you been on the edge of your seat agonizing over the fate of Injured Brendan?! No? ...Who’s that, you say? It’s okay, we weren’t sure either. But this is a book of answers, so prepare yourselves for the biggest opening flex EVER, really creepy telepathic mermaids, and a love story th…

SEQUEL EP: (See 5, 11, 17, 23) Welcome listeners, to the horniest season of The Bachelor... no, wait, wrong series. This week in the House of Night: Kaitlyn sings a cursed song, nobody is a lesbian, and yeah maybe Zoey killed a man, but at least we’ve got Project Runway to keep us on the straight and narrow. Featuring surprise poetry and ravens who…

Poetry. It moves us, it confuses us, and it reminds us that we should always check books for sexually explicit content before gifting them to children. This week we discuss Savanah's longtime nemesis (this book), Kaitlyn's publishing prowess, and a love poem gone wrong. Drama! Intrigue! Pawning your stalker off on your childhood friend! This episod…

Welcome back listeners! Kaitlyn and Savanah take a deep dive into the world of Tumblr, nostalgic CW shows, and their favorite fandoms. All the while, our main character Claire writes fanfiction with the dedication of an escalating serial killer.TW: Referenced homophobia, public outing. Thank you to anyone who donated to BLM or Pride organizations! …

SEQUEL: (Previous eps 2, 7, 14) Welcome back Dystopian Bachelor Nation! In a shocking turn of events, Chris Evans will be your host this episode! He’ll be accompanying our most unlikeable protagonist yet (which is saying something) on her journey to find… well, a sense of humanity, hopefully. Featuring angry asparagus, the problem with musicians, a…

From the hellscape that brought you Cursed Child, we present: Sexist High Schoolers Wear Red Lipstick and Steal From Charity. This book pulls out ALL THE TROPES, and is… surprisingly lackluster? See if you can catch Kaitlyn’s epic math fail, because we sure didn’t! And stay tuned for the after-show notes to weigh in on gay urn-ing: no, that’s not a…

SEQUEL: (Previous eps. 6, 12, 18) The nonsensical dystopian government to end all dystopias. Welcome back, y’all! This week family secrets are revealed, Juliette gets The Big Mad, and Warner's in the abyss dissolving in the acid of his own emotion. Why use diplomacy when you’ve got murder skin?TW: Violence, anxiety, depression, references to suicid…

SEQUEL: Welcome back listeners! What shenanigans have Gay Damien, Zoey, and her three boyfriends gotten up to now? Spoiler alert- it involves nuns, sexy murders, and Savanah’s fourth least favorite thing: birdophilia. Tune in for some truly wild mythology and some truly creepy monsters. TW: Referenced sexual assault, violent death scenes Thank you …

Hey y'all. In light of Pride month and the recent protests, we're doing things a bit differently this week. Donate any amount to an organization supporting racial justice or the LGBTQ+ community for a special bonus episode! The link below will take you to a secure website where your donation will be split between multiple community bail funds, raci…

SEQUEL: Hello fellow clowns, we’re finishing off the Caraval series with some wild reveals that will make us question everything we thought we knew. This week, Kaitlyn reveals her knowledge of sexy French words, Savanah shares some really uncomfortable Science, and we discuss the cons of sentient clothing. If you like The Worst Thing We Read, help …

(CUT- 30:51) HEY YOU- yes you, lovely listener. Hello. This episode is a bit different. We still have a lot of fun: James Patterson is a ghost in a skin suit, Savanah really wants to wear a brown suit and sit on a fancy stool, and Kaitlyn tries to take Cursed Child out of the Void. But reading this book led to a Big Discussion AND some important an…

Hello friends, it’s the super special BONUS quarantine episode! The world is on fire, so we could all use some extra Harry Potter. This is the dumping ground for everything we didn’t have time to cover in the main episode, so tune in for Snape/Dumbledore discourse, nostalgic murder, and a lot of suspicious hugging. TW: Death. If you like The Worst …

Okay, so we’re cheating a bit and this one’s actually a screenplay. If you haven’t read the first seven Harry Potter books, what are you doing with your life?!? (Just kidding, we don’t judge. We do however discuss spoilers from the main series, so be warned.) Also on the table: Albus is Really Bad at making plans, Cedric is a balloon that just want…

SEQUEL: Well folks, it’s the end of an era. Savanah is now a person who has read the entire Twilight series, and Kaitlyn is a person who can’t remember basic High School Musical lyrics. Join us for the creepy and decidedly un-sexy conclusion to Bella “Danger” Swan and Edward “Melodramatic” Cullen’s love story. If you thought the time-space continuu…

SEQUEL: Welcome to the third installment of Shatter Me: originally the finale, but it was too lame so now there’s a fourth book on the way. We’ve got some Grey’s Anatomy level soap opera going on. Will Adam and Warner find out that they’re brothers? Was Warner really a Nice Guy all along? Why does Tahereh Mafi hate Adam so much all of a sudden? May…

SEQUEL: There might be a lack of toilet paper, but luckily we will never run out of bad vampire books to distract us from the pending apocalypse. This week ominous Christmas cards are delivered, Kaitlyn ruins the children’s cartoon Spirit, and Damien gays around gayly with his boyfriend (who is a boy). Also, Kaitlyn really, really, really wants eve…

SEQUEL: Put on your rose-tinted glasses (the color of innocent wishes and fallen stardust) and get ready to return to the insanely saturated world of Caraval. We get Tella’s point of view this time around, and since Tella is easily the better sister, we’re much more invested. As the mythology deepens, it’s difficult to tell what’s real, what’s fake…

SEQUEL: Are you ready for ALL THE TROPES??? Get ready for bed sharing, fake dating, the cycle of abuse… wait, what? We also weigh in on an age old question: are tampons actually just sex toys? Join us for another exhausting adventure into the disappointing appropriation of Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice. Also, Savanah lays out the eviden…

SEQUEL: It's the most dramatic finale of The Bachelor yet. Maxon is handing out the final rose (and the crown of Ilea), which means three girls will be packing their bags. We're here to ask the hard questions, such as: Where did all of these rebels come from? Will Aspen and America finally end their treasonous love affair? (Probably not.) What shoc…

SEQUEL: Get ready for the greatest battle of this century, listeners: Jacob Passive Aggressive Black vs. Edward Melodramatic Cullen! Join the club of Being Very Passionate About Things you Didn’t Mean to be Passionate About and help us answer the most important questions. Who is Jared? Where have these buckwild character arcs come from? And exactly…

SEQUEL: Happy 2020 y’all! As our first episode of the new year, we’re revisiting Juliette and her two psychopathic boyfriends. What is the deal with Omega Point’s mysterious leader? What does a sexy Venus Flytrap look like? And is the tyrannical leader of the evil Reestablishment actually... Mary Poppins? Meanwhile, Juliette wonders about glue. Sta…

SEQUEL: Happy Holidays listeners! It's our last episode of the decade, and the second House of Night book was WILD. This week, Kaitlyn writes sexy poems and is banned from ever attending a poetry slam. Savanah wonders if dick jokes are a healthy coping mechanism when your already undead friend dies again and becomes leader of a twice-dead cult. Als…

This episode requires a magical ticket, but don't look too closely. Or ask how it works. Or ask any questions at all, really. Come one, come all, and experience the fantastical world of unexpected vampirism, sexy drowning, and a whole bunch of emotionally charged colors. Kaitlyn uses her sexy podcast voice, and Savanah chugs some wine. TW: Child ab…

The wait is over! Thank you all for your patience, hopefully a good dose of Harry Styles fanfic will make up for our temporary hiatus. That's right, this week is After by Anna Todd. Topics include questionable college class re-enactments, setting very low bars for humanity, and Kaitlyn's viral Wattpad sensation that she may or may not regret publis…

SEQUEL: This week we revisit the world of Twilight. Sound quality is slightly questionable this week. (Sorry folks.) Almost as questionable as the Twilight time-space continuum, Kaitlyn's erotic Fanfiction, and making high schoolers read Romeo and Juliet. TW: Suicidal thoughts, mental illness, violence. If you like The Worst Thing We Read, help us …

SEQUEL: This week we return to the world of The Selection to discuss TREASON, intense Halloween parties starring BIRD GIRL, and the ethics of re-inventing democracy. Kaitlyn reminds Savanah that this is a podcast, stop trying to draw things, and Savanah starts a treason tally. TW: Brief references to sexual assault, reference to past child abuse, c…

This week we bring you Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi. Join us as we talk about recurring bird fetishes (why is it ALWAYS the birds?), the pros and cons of sewing carpet to your skin, and That Awkward Moment when emotion starts ripping off your eyelids. TW: Child abuse, suicidal thoughts, violence, mental illness, isolation. If you like The Worst Thing…

This week Savanah and Kaitlyn talk about sexual inebriation, wrist fetishes, and hags from hell. Kaitlyn is exposed as a vampire girl, and Savanah would really just prefer to never see the word "vampyre" again. TW: Sexism, references to homophobia, religious extremism. If you like The Worst Thing We Read, help us grow by spreading the word! You can…

We cut The Cruel Prince episode, so you're getting Dear John a week early! (We'd apologize, but if we had to agonize over this book then so do you.) Get ready for coin collecting, justifying cheating with cancer, and using national tragedies to end your relationship. Is it really stalking if the person you're stalking never finds out about it? (Yes…

This week we bring you An Abundance of Katherine's by John Green. Come discuss the woes of being a child prodigy, calling your friend "daddy", and problematic one-liners. Can Colin be saved by a Strange and Quirky love interest who is Not Like All the Other Girls? Plus, Savanah wonders about children ages and Kaitlyn makes up words. TW: Brief refer…

Up this week is dystopian "Bachelor" novel The Selection, by Kiera Cass. We explore why you shouldn't save your ex-boyfriend's pennies, what NOT to name your child, and learning by osmosis (which is definitely 100% a thing, according to the shady government instructors who have no ulterior motives). TW: Brief mention of sexual assault, war violence…

Welcome to the pilot! Apologies for the subpar sound quality (make sure you listen with both earphones!). We were still in the experimental stage for this one, but if you want to hear Savanah's conspiracy theory on time in the Twilight-verse, Kaitlyn's conspiracy theory about stairwell windows, and uncomfortable conversations with the in-laws, star…