Thot Topics is a podcast with the bravery to stare into the void and ask God’s question: ”Do I look fat in these jeans?” Every week, Nick Malone and Cris Lopez slow-motion dive into music, culture, and politics, then emerge soaking wet with 100% certified accurate takes for your listening pleasure. If you’ve ever felt gaslit by gay Twitter, or by a sizing chart while online shopping, this will be the sisterhood of a lifetime.
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The Great Impussinator!
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You have left me very discheazed... you have left me... diseaseched... Discheezed to meet you? Is there anything here? Hey girl. Did you know that um... it doesn't matter if you love him? OR capital H-I-M? We're calling all Little Monsters who are pushing 30 to the stage to speak their truth and speak it loud. What's on the menu this week, you ask?…
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Saeko Killers!
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Turningjapanesewethinkwe'returningjapanesewereallythinkso This week in the Thot Topics Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Annex, the girls unpack several major violations of the international code of cunt. First, the BRAT REMIX ALBUM, the ancient demon KESHA, SAIKO and the call of BEING JAPANESE. But naturally, there's more hot and juicy goodness wher…
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Six Freaks Magic Mountin'!
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Young man! Your presence is requested in the Headmaster's office. And trust me-- you DON'T want to find out how he got THAT name... Love is in the air in the Thot Topics Studio tonight as the girls issue a transmission from the eve of Nick's wedding! We don't want to scare anyone, but it's time to bring out the big, big, big, big, big, balloons. Na…
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The Church of Naturday Saints!
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1:15:25
Happy LUBEor Day You Patriotic SLUTS 💦💦💦😫 From the twisted mind of THOT TOPICS comes an all-new episode full of juicy, scrumptious goodness for ya nerve. EAT IT UP MAMA! We're back to business for the first time in a while so we do a little bit of girly catchup. Are we doing more than flirting with sobriety at this point? Who's gonna make the first…
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Do You Believe in Mewgic?!
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Calling all birdwatchers! Are you watchin' these birds?!?!? This week, we join forces in the Plus Size Creator's Autonomous Zone against the powers that be: hater ass faggots in the Patreon exit surveys. Once that demon is purged from our spirit, it's down to business as usual. We take Raggedy Chappell to task over her complaints on TikTok about fa…
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Thotline 7.5: Juan Missed Call!
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We're back in the lounge to resolve more critical issues in the Thot Topics Jewniverse! We receive emergency transmissions from our beloved homosexual and female (and STRAIGHT MALE) listeners on matters of life, love, and the pursuit of pussyliciousness. What's on the menu, you ask? We discuss how to stave off BPD attachment tendencies, how to resp…
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**PATRONS ONLY** Subscribe now at patreon.com/thottopics. Long time no talk, loca! What's it been giving girlfriend?! This week, we've opened the gilded gates of the Thot Topics Golfing Greens and Garden for the unwashed masses to speak directly to the girls. That's right bitch: for the first time since December, it's time for EVERYONE to get in on…
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Deploy All Kamaloids!
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Bruh. BRUHHHHH. I don't know what the fuck is in the water this week but like 20 minutes of this episode somehow deleted itself. Should I kill myself? MAYBE!!! Anyway, MOST of an episode is here and I'm praying things will be back to normal this week lmfao. Here's what we got into: KAMALA 2024, the pressures of talking to teens when you feel like a…
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My Katycat From Hell!
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You've stumbled into the Katy Perry Apologists Anonymous meeting. Please find a seat and be prepared to share your story. Refreshments have been provided and are available on the far wall. May we see your peacock? This week is a really special one. Just honestly what the fuck guys. First, we unpack our fourth of july weekend for all its worth. Thes…
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Goodbye Whorses!
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1:10:38
Na na na na.... na na naaa na... hey, hey, hey... gay priiiiiiiide Strap in (or on!) for the unique and incomparable stylings of THOT TOPICS! This week, we're in rare form to discuss all manner of gay guy bullshit happening on the timeline-- we're really playing the hits on this one. Thank you to all of the brain damaged middle aged homos who contr…
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Wide and Prejudiced!
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Sometimes, the people who laugh the most, cry inside the hardest... they also have the biggest jiggliest boobs. 😥 RT if you cried Welcome to the Thot Topics podcast official Pride Month kickoff where we ask the question on everybody's lips (both sets!): Are YOU proud to be gay? We try our hand at "questions to ask an LGBT panelist", but before we d…
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Has anyone even TOLD you about our new weekly bonus show for paying sisters? ON SECOND THOT is our sexy little aftershow where put our hair in a pony, get cozy, and let the real freak shit fly. Each week, we select our definitive SLAYS OF THE DAY, FREAKS OF THE WEEK, and last but not least, discuss how God tested us over the last seven days. You to…
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Sweat T-Shirt Contest!
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Welcome to the Metropolitan Museum of Ass, Hair, and Titties. We'll kindly accept your donations up front, to support the continued growth of this vital field. We're BACK! And back in the New York GROOVE no less as we take on the many looks of the 2024 MET GALA, the theme of which was something about flowers or something? Hard to remember now girl.…
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Anyway, Ni Hao!
1:19:28
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Yeah I don't know what the fuck was in the giggle water this week but this is a particularly cracked out episode lmfao WELCUM 2 THE JUNGLE! The girls return to discuss matters of utmost importance with international implications. As we pregame for the Nicki Minaj concert and spread our passports wet 'n' wide for entry to Gag City, we pay ten dollar…
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**PATRONS ONLY** Welcome to the Thot Topics Brewhouse, where children and dogs alike will be killed immediately upon entry. Can we offer you a Michelob Ultra draft? The girls return to the booth for a vital tribunal on all the issues facing a young woman in the world today: SSRIs, feline dental health, immune system support, desktop gaming, marijua…
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R.I.P. Blowjay Simpson!
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The jury finds you in contempt of CUNT! Now it's time to SERVE! Welcome back to central booking at Thot Topics Regional Penitentiary. All fines will be processed to the window on your left, and visitation will be found to your right. Oh, you're here for a conjugal visit? Right this way, ma'am... This week, the girls convene on several matters of ut…
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All Worm and No Play!
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You better worm girl! We're BACK for a lovely special springtime episode. (But really, aren't they ALL special?) This is a girls chat of VITAL importance: we really put our thinking boobs on for this one! We discuss everything on God's Green, from LESBIANS to DUNE 2 to what may be the FINAL DAYS OF THE TIKTOK TOP 50. Do you love the way we work it?…
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**PATRONS ONLY** Four goddamn American dollars get you access to full-length bonus episodes AND... new surprises coming soon :) Hold onto your whorses because it's time for another riveting episode of THOT TOPICS! We're back after losing or breaking literally every single piece of recording equipment we owned and are ready to begin a new chapter of…
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The Summer I Turned Pussy!
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The block is hot-- and we're about to turn it into the Summer of 69! (If you catch our drift...) Welcome back to the Thot Topics Studios where we are prepared to begin a new chapter of our happy little lives. We begin with a lengthy girly little chitchat about the simple joys of our young sprightly bouncy lives. We also reluctantly check in on the …
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**PATRONS ONLY** Subscribe to the Patreon at patreon.com/thottopics. Wooohoo... YEEEEEEEEEEhoo!!!!! It's a leap year and you know what that means: there's one more day 'til the rent is due, pookie! Now, PUMP THE BEAT! First, we do a little bit of girly chitchat-- the weather was beautiful and the vibes were ERRATIC to say the least, so there was mu…
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Slut Pop Memphis!
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Hold on to your cloaca, cuz it's gonna be a bumpy ride!! We convene to discuss the state of The Bimbo: is her time finally over? Have the powers of the bimbo fallen into the wrong hands, exploited for her comically large breasts for TikTok cred? WHO can be trusted with the pure heart of the Bimbo... and how many must die... Naturally that's NOT all…
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Megan's Law and Order!
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In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially slaynous. In Boystown Chicago, the medicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as Thot Topics. These are their stories. We're back in business-- silly us, we were standing on it the whole time! We use our journalisti…
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**FULL EPISODE FOR PATRONS ONLY** PATREON.COM/THOTTOPICS Polizia! Help! I've been Margot ROBBED! We'd like to thank God, the Academy, and most importantly Dr. Pepper for their unwavering support in the making of this podcast. We simply couldn't have done it without you. We know we're supposed to wrap it up, but we also need to express our gratitude…
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**PATRONS ONLY** BRRR! It's cold in here! Must! be! Thot Topics in the ATmosphere! I SAID BRRRRR!!! Welcome one and all to the Thot Topics Plus-Sized Situation Room where several key talking points simply MUST be discussed for the good of our great nation. First, we circle back on corporate speak in the workplace: can we jump on a call and get crun…
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The Top in the Striped Pajamas!
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEEENNN WELCOME TO GYPSY ROSE NIGHT AT TAO SPONSORED BY CASAMIGOS TEQUILAAAAAAAAA!!!! EVERYBODY THROW SOME MONEY RIGHT NOW EVERYBODY THROW SOME MONEY RIGHT NOW It's time to be a WHORE in twenty twenty FOUR! In our first episode of the new year, we get straight to business. That's right: we're talking about CONDOMS. Is there such a …
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Cockwatchers (UNLOCKED!)
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Non-paying girls... we're taking a Christmas sabbatical to truly give our hearts to the Reason For The Season, but in the meantime, PLEASE enjoy this episode from beyond the paywall... talk to you soon girly! Hey girl, can we circle back? To CRACK!? Calling all micromanagers, office drones, and watercooler sisters-- we are taking it out of the work…
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**PATRONS ONLY** FULL AXXXESS AT PATREON.COM/THOTTOPICS These bitches fuck E V E R Y B O D Y We're truly tickled to welcome back the talents of the one and only Zach Langley Chi Chi to the Thot Topics Plus Size Creators Regional Headquarters! We've called an emergency conference to discuss what is perhaps the year's most critical event: the release…
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Thotline 6: She.T. Phone Home!
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It's 10 P.M... do you know where your sistas are? Right here silly! Welcome back to the hotline wing of the Thot Topics Megaplex, where we're convening to settle the nation's most pressing questions. We take voicemails from our beloved listeners-- women and gay guys and all in between-- and do our best to set them on the path to suckcess. And we've…
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**PATRONS ONLY** THROW AN UNEMPLOYED HO A BONE AT PATREON.COM/THOTTOPICS Hey girl, can we circle back? To CRACK!? Calling all micromanagers, office drones, and watercooler sisters-- we are taking it out of the workplace and into your face this week as we recap Nick's week from hell. The girls wallow in some warm and wet misery, but fear not-- we wo…
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Osama Been Laden!
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More like Tate McGay... more like... Bate... McSlay... Uhhh We're BACK! And we came on this bitch mad as hell... things are changing in the Thot Topics Universe and it's NOT LOOKING GOOD, BITCH! After a little bit of career ranting and general sisterly catch-up, we segue into the hawtest topics of the week. First, we diagnose the Tate McRae situati…
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**PATRONS ONLY** JOIN THE CLURB AT PATREON.COM/THOTTOPICS. Pass the cranberry sauce and open wide cuz this ain't your mother's Thanksgiving hoe! We hope you left room for dessert! Oooooooh! We're joined in the house of merry-making by returning guest and sista of the pod Morgan to discuss all things turkeylicious and festive. We recognize it's a li…
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Puerto Freako!
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BEND THAT ASS OVER! LET THAT COOCHIE BREATHE! SHAKE THAT ASS BITCH! HANDS ON YA KNEES! We're back in the booth and better than ever-- as we enjoy some lovely iced cafecitos and prepare for a night out on the town, we turn to the good people at Billboard to take another look at the TikTok Top 50. A LOT has changed since our last check-in on the char…
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**FULL EPISODE AVAIL FOR PATRONS. SORRY, WE MISSED A PAID WEEK AND HAVE TO GIVE THE PAYING GIRLS SUMTHIN. JOIN IN!** One Naysha Lopez, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all... We're back after an accidental week off so we're giving the reins over to the girls at home to decide what absolutely NEEDS to be settled once and for all.…
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**PATRONS ONLY** Join the frontline in the 100 Year Idgaf War on Patreon. Bitches must be Jewish cuz they pockets israelite... We must be thinking outside the bun because we're living HaMás! We heard there's a situation in the middle east. Not to worry-- we're on our way. Period. We attempt to explain what's going on in Gaza to the breast of our ab…
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Good Girls Go Chad!
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"Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me." -Deuteronomy 23:1 We tried being good... but sometimes a girl needs to let her hair down and let LOOSE! As a cold lace front sets in on the beautiful city of Chicago, the girls settle in for a fireside chat of cosmic proportions, discussing everything from gym memberships to apa…
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**PATRONS ONLY** Get up in the exclusivest Thot Topicsest Clurb on the planet on Patreon. For $4/month, you get access to every exxxclusive episode! PATREON.COM/THOTTOPICS This week, the girls have smeared coconut baby oil on their breasts to send a powerful message about consent. The message? It's simple: {motorboating noises} We're back to discus…
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Troy Savants (feat. Sydney) [UNLOCKED!]
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Happy Birthday Sydney! We're unlocking her previously paywalled genius in honor of National Sydney Day and the new Troye Sivan single too... get into the festivities girl! This is the hand that gives... and this is the hand that's taking it... We're back and joined by the honorable Judge Sydney in the courtroom of the mind's eye, AKA the newly expa…
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**PATRONS ONLY** SUBSCRIBE FOR FULL ACCESS AT PATREON.COM/THOTTOPICS WELCUM 2 THE JUNGLE BABY! To celebrate our 150th freakin' episode, we do a little bit of GORILLA podcasting and bring our white asses to the TRUE Ape Escape: The Rainforest Cafe! Swaddled in the lush acoustics of the jaguars, toucans, chimps and elephants, we do what we do best an…
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Insane Clown Pussy!
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And the Nookie Tight Nookie Clean Award goes to... We're back and wetter than ever! The girls convene at the top of the charts to take the cultural temperature through the top 15 of Billboard's new TikTok Top 50. We share our official stance on Christianity and make am embarrassing admission about Taylor Swift. SkeeYee! Of course that's not all gwo…
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New Millennium Broadz! (feat. Alex Kazemi) [UNLOCKED]
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In honor of our sister Alex Kazemi's pub week, we're unlocking our double-long extra thick and juicy interview for all our divas to enjoy <3 Get your copy of New Millennium Boyz, out tomorrow, Sept. 12 2023! THANK U GOD 4 ALL THIS POD We're joined in the atrium of the Thot Topics Literary Institute & Creative Learning Center by novelist and good-ti…
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**PATRONS ONLY** GET FULL ACCESS AT PATREON.COM/THOTTOPICS THANK U GOD 4 ALL THIS POD We're joined in the atrium of the Thot Topics Literary Institute & Creative Learning Center by novelist and good-time gal ALEX KAZEMI, author of the forthcoming New Millennium Boyz! Lots of spoilers ahead so listen with caution (and with your tits out!) We talk ab…
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Let’s Get Biblical!
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It's time to crack open the oldest and boldest book in history. On the first day, God said "Let them give cunt!" We are back to address the rumors, the drama and conflamma-- but that's not even the most important thing. We also play a few good old fashioned rounds of the Noah's Ark game, in which we decide who is allowed on the boat to God's New Wo…
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**PATRONS ONLY** Subscribe on Patreon for full uncut raw access. Trust us when we say this one's worth the four dollars... We're back with a newly expanded soundboard and a newly inflated fucking RACK and we're ready to take in the news. Owww! First, we ask the audience some pertinent questions about Steamworks and do a little bit of oversharing as…
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Lizzo’s Big Fat Humongous Giant Plus-Sized Bananarama!
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Bad news y'all we figured how to make a soundboard Pardon Nick's weird gross sick voice, but we are back in the booth for an emergency transmission on all things big, huge, gargantuan, ginormous, and whaleish! We take Lizzo's accusers to task and address the haters head-on: would these "dancers" have a job without Lizzo? Does it sound kinda fun to …
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**PREVIEW. PATRONS ONLY. SUB FOR FULL ACCESS AT PATREON.COM/THOTTOPICS** We're about to turn Hiroshima into HiroSHEma, OKAYYY???? Welcome back to our Barbieful Dark Twisted Fantasy-- we reconvene in the sweltering heat of Chicago summa to let our brains cook and let the takes fly like the free birds they are. We have a LOT of ground to cover this e…
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Asparteens Pt. 1: The Big Girl’s Dilemma!
1:17:22
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They feed us poison (Vegetables) / So we take their "cures" (Wellbutrin XR) / While they suppress our medicine (Diet Dr Pepper) Live from the top of the food pyramid, it's Thot Topics! We pregame for the Beyonce concert by once again talking about our inability to feed ourselves properly, but there's so much more TEXTURE to it this time. We also re…
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**PATRONS ONLY** SUBSCRIBE FOR FULL ACCESS AT PATREON.COM/THOTTOPICS This is the hand that gives... and this is the hand that's taking it... We're back and joined by the honorable Judge Sydney in the courtroom of the mind's eye, AKA the newly expanded Thot Topics Plus-Sized Creators Studio. There's MUCH to discuss and many beers to drink before we …
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Over-The-Shoulder Ijbolder Holders!
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We the ijbol, in order to form a more perfect union, find these justices in contempt of CUNT! Ready to hear the wind whistle through the skulls of two gay guys as they attempt to form a cogent opinion about politics? This week, the girls unpack the week's big Supreme Court decisions. We heard the jury was hung so we HAD to investigate. Gay websites…
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*PATRONS ONLY! SUBSCRIBE TO THE THOT TOPICS PATREON FOR ACCESS TO THE FULL 2 HOUR EPISODE AT PATREON.COM/THOTTOPICS* Get in faggot we're going to Arby's! This week, the girls convene unda da sea to discuss all things sub-marine and on dry land! For starters, we cover all the new music that's come out since we last had a girly little chitchat: Kim P…
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The Great Aslaykening! (feat. CuteAnon)
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Live from the deep slayyyte, Chris from CuteAnon joins us in the studio and we have a total caBALL! I'm just a mole, sir! I'll keep it real and say that this is just some good old fashioned gay guys talking over a couple of cold ones. Isn't this what you came for!? With a little help from Truth or Drink, we really get to know each other in a wet an…
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