Are you being gaslit? How to navigate and stop the gaslighting in your relationship

Life Examined

If you’ve ever been accused of ‘gaslighting' someone, you might find yourself unsure about what exactly you're being accused of. The term is the latest amongst a growing collection of popular psychological buzzwords used to describe manipulative or calculating behavior, but it's often misused and misunderstood.

The term originated from the 1940s black-and-white film Gaslight where a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she’s crazy by subtly adjusting the intensity of their home's gas lights when she’s alone in the house. The husband denies there’s anything wrong with the lights, leaving his wife distraught, confused, and questioning her own memory and sanity.

In her book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life “The Gaslight Effect,” psychoanalyst Robin Stern explains why this word has gained so much prominence in both personal and professional relationships, particularly among women. “Seeing many women come into my office who were otherwise in their lives the presidents of their company, professional practice, or very successful –good decision makers who felt comfortable in groups, socialized quite a bit, suddenly, in their romantic relationship were uncertain; felt a kind of dislocated or unmoored, felt unstable and second-guessed themselves all the time, [saying to themselves], am I too sensitive, am I too paranoid?”

Stern says that “gaslighting” is an “insidious and sometimes covert form of emotional abuse.” Being gaslit is “a power dynamic repeated over time where the gaslighters intention is to undermine and destabilize the ‘gaslightee’ and lead that person to second-guess themselves, to question their own identity and ultimately their sanity and their character at different times.”

Stern argues that being able to spot this type of behavior is important. When “gaslighting” happens professionally, it can be tough to tackle. For example, Stern cites doctor/patient relationships and warns that “if your doctor minimizes your symptoms, if he or she continually interrupts you or accuses you of being too preoccupied with your symptoms, or refuses to order follow-up tests or if you constantly feel like your doctor is rude, condescending, belittling, or passing it off, as ‘that's your age, or you're a woman, or you're a new mom’ or whatever it is, you're being gaslighted.”

After recognizing the behavior, Stern suggests taking action. “Opt out of those power struggles and sort out the truth from the distortion…Nobody needs to put up or should put up with abuse. It is not acceptable for anyone to be intentionally hurting someone else.”