Velvet Al provides audio commentary for bad movies, in real time, as he watches them for the first time.
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If a movie is called "Tiger Cruise," you expect tigers. And if that movie is set on 9/11, you expect the tigers to be fighting terrorists. Double fail.
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We miss when this show was mostly about Angie Harmon in a bikini.
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A soldier on a superstrength serum fights a red-faced Nazi? Where have we seen that before?
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Can slow motion bouncing defeat slow moving blob?
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There's worse reasons to watch a movie than the promise of a Scarlett Johansson upskirt.
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Hey Baywatch Nights producers, we watched "Species" too. But not "Species 2."
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It's just not the same without Alyssa Milano's boobs.
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The beginning of Baywatch Nights: X-Files Edition.
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1
Velvet Al Watches My Life With Morrisey So You Don't Have To
1:09:09
1:09:09
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1:09:09
What kind of deranged person fantasizes about spending time with Morrisey?
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The Beach Boys wish they were as cool as the Heat Rays.
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We're pretty sure the only reason anyone likes this movie is because Liv Tyler strips down to her underwear.
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Offering unscrupulous landlords free cable comes in quite handy for a detective.
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Zombie boobs. At least there's that.
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Don't challenge David Hasselhoff to a game of racquetball. He will crush you.
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1
Velvet Al Watches Asian School Girls So You Don't Have To
1:26:18
1:26:18
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1:26:18
We think Velvet Al downloaded the wrong video.
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We apologize for ruining Easter for you.
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Shouldn't the title "Epilogue" have been saved for the finale?
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This film was made possible due to tax cuts from the country of Serbia. We believe that makes "Slotherhouse" an international war crime.
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Why do killers set so many arbitrary rules upon themselves?
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1
Velvet Al Watches "Chuck E. Cheese In The Galaxy 5000" (plus "Where's Rodney?") So You Don't Have To
1:10:55
1:10:55
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1:10:55
Is it just us or is that chicken in the cheerleader outfit kind of hot? Bonus: A sitcom pilot so bad it manages to make Rodney Dangerfield unfunny.
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Not even a samurai sword is a match for David Hasselhoff.
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I am not happy with the Dead Corpse To Angie Harmon In A Bikini ratio in this episode.
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What better way to ruin your Christmas?
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If Tom Arnold was my brother, I wouldn't tell my wife either.
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She not only steals jewelry. She also steals hearts.
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What better present for the man who has everything than forcing him to watch bad birthday cartoons?
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Shannon Tweed doesn't show her boobs and Roddy Piper doesn't crack one liners. What fresh hell are we living in?
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The Hasselhoff Detective Agency sure do take on a lot of cases that don't pay.
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1
Velvet Al Watches Strippers vs Werewolves So You Don't Have To
1:30:58
1:30:58
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1:30:58
We learn a lot about werewolf mythos. We also learn a lot about stripper mythos.
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Angie Harmon strips to her underwear and Geraldo Rivera goes into Berserker Rage. On second thought, you might actually want to watch this episode.
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1
Velvet Al Watches "Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape" (Plus "Poochinski") So You Don't Have To
1:13:05
1:13:05
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The intro disclaimer promised graphic nudity. They lied to us. Also, someone made a pilot for a TV show starring Peter Boyle as a talking dog detective and it didn't get picked up? Further proof there is no justice in the world.
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Blood isn't thicker than Hasselhoff.
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1
Velvet Al Watches Mennonite Of The Living Dead So You Don't Have To
1:19:45
1:19:45
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1:19:45
Most of the episode is spent discussing the finer points of orgy etiquette.
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It's the pro wrestlers vs zombies movie that isn't "Pro Wrestlers Vs Zombies."
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We already forgot what this episode was about.
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How do you say jigglevision in Spanish?
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David Hasselhoff in drag and a random performance from Skee Lo. Does television get any better?
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1
Velvet Al Watches The Little Mermaid (Not That One) So You Don't Have To
1:11:12
1:11:12
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1:11:12
The nice thing about adapting public domain stories is that if you want to, you can make the Little Mermaid a stripper.
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B.B. King will do anything for a paycheck.
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1
Velvet Al Watches 2016 (Ghana) So You Don't Have To
1:15:12
1:15:12
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1:15:12
This film suggests that Aliens and Predators have set aside their differences and started mating. That gives us hope for the future.
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Learn the origin story of the David Hasselhoff Detective Agency
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Not affiliated with Bimbo Bakeries.
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It's totally not racist to have the black guy go undercover at a chicken restaurant.
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1
Velvet Al Watches Killer Rack So You Don't Have To
1:02:38
1:02:38
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1:02:38
You'd expect a movie about boobs to have more gratuitous nudity.
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Angie Harmon being really bad at phone sex gave us chubb.
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1
Velvet Al Watches Deadly Punkettes So You Don't Have To
1:10:51
1:10:51
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1:10:51
Or Velvet Al Sees Andy Dick's Nutsack So You Don't Have To
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How much would you pay for a night with David Hasselhoff?
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1
Velvet Al Watches The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure So You Don't Have To
1:04:28
1:04:28
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1:04:28
Just what are the logistics of a vacuum cleaner having sex with a window?
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The psychic's powers are real! And so are her boobs!
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It's 4th of July! What can be more patriotic than a killer octopus?
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