Break the Resentment Cycle & Gain Freedom

Life by Design

Jessilyn and Brian Persson talk about resentment in this episode. They define resentment as bitterness about something or someone that we perceive as having done wrong by us, or some action unfairly taken against us that we hold anger about. Resentment, as they will explain, gets buried deep within and puts us into a cycle of negativity. They further dive into how we identify and address resentment so we can break free of the negative cycle.

Jessilyn shares personal examples of past resentment in her family and years of anger over actions her sister had taken. She and Brian then talk about the different perspectives they had in resentment when they became new parents. These stories pave the way for the three takeaways they share on how to deal with resentment: 1. Watch for the signs, 2. Put it in check, and 3. Practice empathy and forgiveness. Why do these takeaways work and how can you implement them? Jessilyn and Brian have the insight to answer those questions.

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Transcript

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:09] Welcome to Life by Design podcast with your hosts, Jessilyn and Brian Persson. We help couples create the wealth they desire by sharing our stories of how we broke through the barriers to create our wealth.

Brian Persson: [00:00:19] We are the creators of the Discover Define Design framework, which supports you in resolving conflict and communicating better. Recently, we've created a branch of that teaching we are calling Riches Relationships and Real Estate. We have a lot of personal experience, and there is a lot of demand from couples who want to get on the same page so they can powerfully invest in real estate.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:40] Yes, our topic today is resentment. I love this topic because I harbored a lot of resentment for many years in my early 20s and 30s, before I learned what it did to me and how to let it go. But when we say resentment, what do we mean?

Brian Persson: [00:00:55] Yeah, it's just a bitterness to something that you think was done to you unfairly or some action or person who has treated you unfairly.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:04] Yes, absolutely. And so why is it important to understand not only what resentment means - I think most of us can appreciate what that means - but like what it does to you and and why you should let it go?

Brian Persson: [00:01:19] Well, as you know, because as you said, you've experienced it, I think pretty well everyone in the world has experienced it. And it takes you out. It puts you in a cycle of negativity and, you know, resentment. You just keep having that resentment come up and up and up over and over again, sometimes out of the situation that it even started in. So if you can't break that cycle and you can't understand what and where the resentment came from, then it's going to cause your life a lot of problems going forward.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:54] Yeah, problems you might not even realize until years later.

Brian Persson: [00:01:58] No, you might not even call it resentment until years later. You might not even see it as resentment.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:02:03] Yeah, yeah. So our first takeaway is watch for the signs. And when we say signs, we mean like bitterness, anger, negative feelings that are repetitive or repeating and may not on exactly what you're resentful for, but maybe to the person you're resentful against. Stiffness in your body, avoidance of topics or avoidance of people that maybe you have resentment with. I know, as I alluded to, I had resentment with my younger sister for years, mostly, you know, from a lot of what she did back in 2010 to my parents. And I didn't realize until, well, I had resentment before that for some of the things she'd done. But she did a real big number in 2010 that impacted my family, and I held on to that until 2015, when I did, I went to a course, and that's when I even realized I was even holding, like, it's not that I wasn't aware I didn't care for her. It was a matter I didn't, I wasn't aware that I was holding this resentment right here, so firmly, so close to home, that when I accepted it and then I forgave her, this just weight came off my chest and I started to see her in a different lens.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:03:18] I started to forgive what she'd done and open up my house and my invite to her to be around more. I mean, I wanted to be a bigger part of my nieces' lives, so that played a part of it as well. Plus, I mean, she was family, so she was always there anyways when it came to holidays. Now that being said, some stuff went again, a little sideways again a couple years ago where I just, a whole different story. It's not, I don't have resentment for her anymore though. Now I feel it's just, I just cut her out of my life saying, okay, what you bring adds negativity to our family and I'm not okay with that. But I don't resent her. Now I wish her all the best and I am grateful for what she did bring, like my nieces to our life and that. But it's now, it's in her court. It's no longer holding me hostage, if you will, to these feelings that are negative and detrimental to my health.

Brian Persson: [00:04:08] Yeah. And how long did it take you to notice that, right? A long time. And that's why we say like watch for the signs. Because you didn't even recognize it as resentment. You just thought that your sister was annoying to the family, is basically what it kind of showed up as to you and that she should, air quotes, be doing something different and, you know, be treating your parents differently and be treating you differently. All these things that you think should have been happening and that, it was ultimately resentment because you believed that the situation your sister was creating was unfair.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:04:49] Yeah, yeah.

Brian Persson: [00:04:50] And it was creating new bitterness. So if you don't watch for those signs, you'll never see them. And you'll just assume that the world is unfair. You'll just assume that your family is unfair. And then the bitterness starts to creep in and all of a sudden, you know, 5, 10, in some people we know it's like 40 years later, the resentment is still there and they have not truly identified it.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:05:18] Yeah, yeah. I got another really good example I want to share, just because for all the moms out there, when we had Jack, our first one, I was, you know, I was a stay-at-home-mom in the beginning and I didn't love it. And I, you know, I openly share how I had the baby blues. I was really depressed. Coming from a thriving, successful professional to suddenly just taking care of this little infant was not my cup of tea. And you still went to work. Obviously you had a career. And I just remember y...