Venting, Raging, Ruminating, and How to Get It Out

Seriouslyourself

Hi there, come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, the Podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander. Hey there, how are you today? Come on in. Do you ever like to just vent about something? Maybe there's a pet peeve you have or you're feeling frustrated and you just can hear yourself like I just want to vent about this. I want to complain. Or crab or maybe have a little tantrum. I might want to kind of express some exasperation, frustration, disgust, irritation. Yeah, that's venting, right? And I think we all do it, and I have parts that really actually like venting. I think it's kind of fun. And there are times of venting, I think, can actually be super helpful. But you have to have some concept of how to make it be helpful. You can't just start venting and expect it to work well for you, I don't think. But certainly there are times when we vent and it's not helpful and we can talk about that. Like why is it not helpful? That's what we're gonna do today. We're going to look at, you know, what can you learn from venting. And when does it transform into something maybe unhealthy like raging or discharging yucky energy at somebody else. And how can you avoid that stuff? Right?
So let's get started. Take a minute. What do you vent about? Let's think of all the things that we like to vent about...Maybe we like to vent about technology that doesn't work. Well, we've had to be on our technology a lot lately, whether it's our phones or computers or different apps or systems. You know when you try to pay that bill six times and it doesn't go through: do you ever just feel like venting about that? Or you get on a hold line, and you sit there for an hour and a half and then you get disconnected or you get sent to another hold line? Yeah. Yeah. I got parts of me that can vent about that. Maybe I am. How about politics? You like to vent about politics? Yeah. I think that's kind of a fun one. You know, even about things that feel incredibly unjust or wrong...racism. Species-ism, climate change. Just all kinds of pain and stuff that we just sometimes need to get out. Maybe it was that last interaction you had with a friend or a child or your partner and you just want to get it out? Yeah, that's venting.
Sometimes venting is really great. Makes you feel calmer. Makes you feel heard. Helps you to just rest. And other times it causes the person that you're with that's hearing the venting to erupt or start venting themselves and can even create arguments. And there are even other times when you might think you're venting in a way that's going to help you feel better, and all of a sudden you realize, Oh no, I don't feel better at all! In fact, I'm revved up and feeling worse. Yeah? That's like that rumination, that venting that goes around, around, around and around and around and around. And that's the one where if you're doing it out loud, your family looks at you like: Yeah, we've heard this before about 100 times, and we're tired of it! And then of course if you're the one venting. It's easy to feel embarrassed or ashamed or unheard and certainly not validated.
So what could you learn from your venting? I would say really to take a minute and just look at what you're venting about, because it probably tells you what you care about or what you're not taking care of inside. You may be something you really need. Maybe you need help, right? Maybe you've had to deal with the system of being on the phone or trying to get your needs met alone too long and you really could use a little help. Or maybe you just need to take care of yourself so you don't feel out of control. Maybe you need to make decisions that feel powerful. And they could be small. Like: I'm deciding what to have for dinner tonight. Or I'm deciding when I want to get up tomorrow, or when I need a day off.
You see, sometimes we don't give ourselves those things, and then we start venting about all the ways we feel out of control because of other things around us when the message is really: Hey, you need to take a little personal autonomy and some control where you can.
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, who is a neurophysiologist, I believe... something like that, and she talked about this experience. She had a stroke, and so part of her brain ceased to work for some time. And because she was an amazing scientist, she could track what was happening for her. But there was a lot of time that she was unable to filter people's energy coming at her. So doctors and nurses would come into a room, and where you and I probably wouldn't pick up any - "negative energy" is the best word, but really attitude or sensation or tiny cues. -We wouldn't maybe pick that up, or if we did, we'd be able to just process it, let it go. You know? Well, because her brain had been harmed by the stroke, she was unable to do that and she knew it. And so she knew right away what they were feeling and it would impact her inside. And if they weren't on her side or were having a bad day and bringing that in her room, it was really detrimental for her. And so she put a sign on her hospital door that said, 'Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into the space." Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.
And so I think that that makes sense for us. If we're going to vent right, we have to take responsibility for our venting. It's okay to do it, but we shouldn't do it just at someone, especially not without their permission. Now, you might have people in your life that you automatically have permission to vent to. I think this happens between my husband and I honestly, I think there's a particular voice that he'll hear me using And it seems like he slides almost automatically after 40 years into a place of ah ha. This is not to be taken personally. This is not to be ignored either. This is just something that I can be with for a moment with Ingrid and she'll get to the bottom of it. So I might start off: I am exhausted. I had to do this. I have to do that. There is that this person didn't answer this thing didn't happen. And this system makes me so mad. And why is it this way? And why is it that way? And he'll be going, Yeah, Yeah, right. I'm sorry. No kidding. Yeah. And then I'll hit a point where I go, I'll just say: Maybe you could make dinner tonight? He'll be like, Yeah, no problem.
Now, it doesn't always go that way. There are days when he's having a hard time and maybe my ranting or my venting doesn't start with talking about other things, but goes directly at him. You you didn't do this or you promised you'd do that. And there's no bucket of support to be had for me. He's on empty. And in that situation, it doesn't go so well. He'll begin venting right back at me or claiming victimhood instead of fighting back. It sounds more like: I know I'm terrible. I'm a terrible wretch. And I do nothing around here.
Do these conversations sound familiar in your life? I bet they do. So, really you want to get permission is what I'm saying. You want, you want - even if it's unspoken, you want to know that the other person is able to witness or to stand present to your venting without getting hooked or hurt by it. Now, all saying you should never vent to children, because that's really hard for them. It isn't their responsibility to witness adult venting. If you need to vent at a child and I believe me, we do. I get it. You know - okay, kids get in here. None of you have picked up your room for three days, and I've just had it. I'm so tired. Mommy's just like - having you home all the time because you need to go to school and so on, right? You know later that's probably going to feel terrible to you. And if you can take a break and go, Hey kids, do you ever get a list of complaints and you don't know what to do with them? So you talk about the venting if you have to. Or you vent to another adult or just to yourself. But venting to children, uh it's kind of hard on them, okay? If it's coming from that part that really wants to let them have it. So, I would say avoid that. Okay? Venting at someone who is really anxious also is really hard for them. It's kind of like when Dr. Taylor was laying in her hospital bed, you know? They can't filter and they can't separate what you're saying about, you know, Vladimir Putin from what you might be saying about them. And it's harmful. It hurts them. So, take a pause and just let yourself know it's okay that you have those venting feelings, but now is not the time. Let it come out somewhere else. You know?
You also want to vent with a purpose. Okay, So what does that mean? Having listened to tons and tons and tons of people vent about things throughout the years, they can vent in a way that is so beautifully productive. You can see just the anger coming out, and they're being seen and heard, and they're seeing and hearing what they're saying, and all of a sudden you find that they are either laughing or crying or just calm or breathing or have shifted in some way. Because the purpose of a vent, if you think about the term, is really to release, right? To make a space, to get something out. It needs to come out. And when it comes out, there's like a bottom to it. Though, what they're venting about can often not be resolved, right? Which is why they're venting about it, because it's beyond their capacity to control it. When it's heard, they can go, All right now, I can start over from fresh. It's like getting to ground level again. It's lovely. That's when venting is really productive.
The other kind that doesn't work so well is the venting that's called - I call it ruminating, or just repeating story. So you go over and over and over and over that thing that bugs you. And you insight yourself into more bug, right? You're more bothered and then you just leave feeling hopeless. Or the person that you're venting to joins in maybe a little too much actually: You're right! Oh, this is so terrible. But you both start rising up in energy until at the end you don't even know what to do with yourselves. Right? Instead of going, yes, this is good because we share it. We see it's real and now we can allow that space to just clear it, clear those difficult feelings.
So, here's a suggestion for right now, and it comes from this awesome girl. She's a grown woman now, but she was a little girl and she used to come in for therapy. And she was having a really hard time, and oftentimes she would come in and I'm sure she didn't want to be sitting in my office. Probably made her feel worse. Like, why do I have to be here? How about you bring in all the adults in my life that are making me nuts? I wouldn't blame her. And I was sort of encouraging her to talk to me, to get it out. And I think parts of her just didn't even want to own any of that stuff - it really didn't belong to her. A lot of the stuff that she was having to live through - parents fighting. neglect, alcoholism, all kinds of things -it was awful for her and she was just a sparkly brilliant child. So one day she was sort of letting me have it, and she was mad and sullen. And I said, "Here, take a piece of paper and just just draw it out." And I honestly think that her drawing was more an attempt to hook me and to say, "I'm not going to draw you something that's pretty and that tells my story and lets you in." And so she grabbed a black crayon, and she just started scribbling hard. I mean, it started out just like some scribbling circles, but pretty soon she was pressing so hard into the paper that the little bits of crayon shavings were sort of flying about, and the crayon was getting worn away, and the paper was becoming thick with black wax, and it was covered from corner to corner and edge to edge with just black scribble. And she did it and she did it and she did it. And she started crying. And she did it and she did it some more. And I just stood there and watched and we breathed and she calmed.
You see, that's venting. That's venting. We let it go. We let it out if it can be witnessed by us or by another. It's beautiful, and it comes. I've always been so grateful to that kiddo for sharing her venting. Even if it started out as a, Screw you lady, I'm not drawing you a picture. It was beautiful.
So I would say in the same way you can vent on paper too. You don't always have to do it that way. But especially if you're home alone and you don't have anyone that you think is available to call, grab your journal piece of paper and a pencil and just let it go, and then read it and let it go some more and just find that space where you go: I'm letting it out now. It's done now. It's there. Can't solve it. But I'm not carrying it.
So let me know, what's your favorite way to vent and what do you like to vent about? And when does it become raging? Try it on paper, or try it with agreement with someone who loves you. Happy venting! Get to the bottom! And I'll see you soon. Thanks, bye.
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And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.