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Betrayal is traumatic, and those who have been betrayed by partners living secret lives of sexual addiction deserve to be empowered and supported with knowledge and resources to allow them to move from shock through grief and into growth. On Betrayal Recovery Radio, our host, Dr. Jake Porter, lays out important topics for both sex addicts and their betrayed partners through conversations leading to hope and healing. Betrayal Recovery Radio is the official podcast of The Association of Partne ...
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Redemptive Living Radio

Redemptive Living Radio

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Looking for hope and redemption after sexual betrayal? Then this is the podcast for you! We’re Shelley and Jason Martinkus, authors of four books, including Worthy of Her Trust and we’ve been there. We’re nearly two decades into our own recovery work, and have dedicated our lives to helping other men, wives and marriages on the journey toward wholeness. With candor, vulnerability and authenticity we want to walk with you, too! Tune in as we address the highs and lows, the hard questions and ...
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The Butterfly Nation

The Butterfly Nation

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Welcome to The Butterfly Nation, an intense hour examining the real-life experiences of the spouses and partners of po-n addicts and/or sex addicts...the forgotten survivors of the sex industry. Join Alison and Sandy, both ex-wives of sex addicts and both Certified Mindful Habit Coaches, as they weave through the complex world of sex addiction from the partner's perspective. With a focus on education and empowerment, they will use their own experiences combined with science, psychology, stat ...
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So here we are! The final episode of Season #6. We start with me needing to loop back to something we discussed in the last episode where Jason said he received feedback from someone saying that sometimes when Jason mentions the past / the timeline, that he is shaming me. While I don’t think he is trying to shame me - I DO experience shame when cer…
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In this episode - we talk about how he can hold her hostage in the recovery process. We discuss this concept, of him holding her hostage, two different ways (or avenues or angles or well, you get the point). The first avenue is how Jason interprets “holding her hostage” which essentially is him holding her hostage for his past wounds and holding he…
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It’s just me today, popping in to let you know we will be back next week with a fresh episode. I am sharing the quickest of life updates with you guys plus a reminder about a couple of resources that we offer. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6. For those of you that are new here, check out Episode #1 for Our Story. Ma…
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As we dig into the content of this particular episode - please keep in mind that these situations are SO nuanced. So please take what we are sharing and consider how it applies to you. What we share will not work for everyone in every situation. #1 - Clearly End the Affair - Our first suggestion for regaining confidence and to be able to go back ou…
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As Jason said early on in this episode - recovery work is painful. It hurts, it’s scary and no wonder we resist it. Jason talks about how he went from resisting the recovery work to accepting that there was work to do. It’s in this process that we make friends with the work. As Thomas Berry, a coach on our team, says - we go from “got to TO get to”…
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Basically, I try to take over during the first five minutes of the episode as I talk about hope. Then I pass the mic over to Jason and you will probably actually like what he says much more. I just try to sprinkle in anecdotal comments as I can, you’re welcome. Hope is a handhold for wives in the following ways… 1 - it gives women a sense of securi…
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Get out your thinking caps - this episode is heady and I had to rewind many many times to re-listen while I was working on these show notes. We are talking empathy (and intimacy and conviction) today. I believe that empathy is one of the key ingredients that will help her heart heal within the context of the couple-ship. So developing empathy is KE…
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In this episode, we get real honest about a recent series of arguments we had about money, with the intent of sharing with you guys what engaging in conflict can look like in “late recovery”. Not that we do conflict perfectly or recovery perfectly (as you will surely hear) but we get questions about what life looks like today - years and years post…
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In this episode, we talk about the value of the full disclosure and some of the reasons that doing a full disclosure (for both him and for her) is incredibly beneficial. Here are some of those reasons: - for men: integration of the story and the acting out - as in, making sense of and connecting dots in his story as a whole which informs the recove…
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In this episode, we piggyback off of the last episode on Frontloading and discuss how women can leverage this technique in order to feel safe having certain conversations with him. This technique is essentially giving him a heads up that a difficult conversation needs to be had + insuring he is in an open space to have said conversation well in adv…
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In this episode, we talk about Frontloading, a term we first heard from Jennifer Kolari after doing some parenting therapy with her. See the link below for her information. Frontloading is the conversation we have prior to an anticipated event (or an anticipated conversation). Keep in mind, it's about a heart attitude, not about a playbook / plan /…
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In this episode, we talk about her getting stuck and how this can be (not always, but can be) connected to him NOT doing good, consistent work. Jason recaps a couple of things from episode #68 - What is Good Work (definitely check out that episode if you want to learn more about what “good” work looks like - see the link below.) We discuss four big…
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So, let’s say he is doing mostly good work. Oftentimes when he is doing this mostly good work, women are faced with a dilemma. Does she accept the good work and lean into it and trust it? OR does she hold him / the good work at arm’s length and continue to watch and wait and keep herself safe? We start with exploring some of the reasons she runs in…
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So what exactly is good work? And what does good work look like AFTER the initial stages? Because it seems like some husbands rock that good work early on - and then… they are done?! Jason and I are both encouraging you guys to honestly assess: are the things we list happening in my / his recovery process? And if not - what might it look like to ge…
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In this episode - we are diving in to a question that Shelley receives quite regularly - why did you stay? And were you / are you embarrassed that you chose to stay? We start with talking about some of the reasons that can make it embarrassing to stay - for instance, in our culture - there is this notion that when a woman is cheated on, there must …
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It’s show time! Here we go - Season #6 of Redemptive Living Radio is HERE. On this first episode of the season, we are talking about relapses. I realize this can be a super tender topic on all fronts. Here are some of the questions we answer: 1 - What is a relapse? - In some ways, a relapse is VERY clear and in some instances, it can seem a bit arb…
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In today's episode of Betrayal Recovery Radio, we delve into the complexities of the holiday season, a time filled with joy but often marred by the challenges of betrayal trauma. Joined by Rebecca Ray, we'll navigate the delicate dynamics faced by those affected by betrayal, whether as the betrayed or the betrayer. Rebecca Ray is a Licensed Marriag…
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Welcome back to the podcast!!! We wanted to jump in and do a bonus podcast for you guys ahead of the release of Season #6 which will air in January, 2024. While it really is a topic near and dear to Jason’s heart - it’s also a PSA for ALL of us as we prepare to be with extended family over Thanksgiving and Christmas. The holidays can be really chal…
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In this interview I share the results of my Masters thesis which show that rates of domestic violence are considerably higher in the lives of partners of sex addicts than in the general population. This is significant because women are arriving daily on therapists’ doorsteps seeking help for betrayal trauma, but with their experiences of DV under r…
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Welcome to another thought-provoking episode of Betrayal Recovery Radio, hosted by Dr. Jake Porter. In this engaging installment titled "Navigating Betrayal: Answering the Hard Questions with Conversations Podcast," we delve deep into the complex landscape of betrayal within relationships. Joining Dr. Jake in this enlightening discussion are esteem…
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Often when doing couples recovery work, the approach is from a neurotypical lens following betrayal trauma and sex addition. This may work for many couples, but what about when these approaches aren’t working for the long term healing of the relationship? Many couples share that it can be frustrating and discouraging especially when both partners i…
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In this podcast episode, we explore the Betrayal Trauma Religious Leader Training (BTRL), a customized program designed for professionals within religious and faith-based communities. Our interview with Aviva Kohl and Barbara Steffens uncovers the core of BTRL, focusing on the APSATS Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model (MPTM). Attendees learn to …
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Sex addiction and betrayal doesn't have to take your parenting to new lows. In fact, by focusing on your core values you can realign your efforts to breathe new life into your parenting. People wonder what to tell the children and how to become a "family in recovery." It is possible to achieve peak parenting by recognizing your weak spots and using…
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When your partner has a sexual addiction, acting out comes with the territory. Dealing with it is hard, even learning about it can be traumatic. But what about the behaviors INSIDE the relationship? How do you recognize and respond to inappropriate treatment from a partner? How do you become personally and relationally healthier when at least some …
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In this episode, the Dr. Jake and Pam Blizzard delve into the realm of cognitive distortions often experienced by partners post-betrayal. They explore how trust erosion affects perception, leading to misconceptions such as overgeneralization, emotional reasoning, and catastrophizing. Real-life stories illustrate these distortions, while expert Jake…
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In this episode, the Dr. Jake and Pam Blizzard delve into the realm of cognitive distortions often experienced by partners post-betrayal. They explore how trust erosion affects perception, leading to misconceptions such as overgeneralization, emotional reasoning, and catastrophizing. Real-life stories illustrate these distortions, while expert Jake…
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This week on RL Radio - NOT going back to the way it was This is the final episode of Season #5. We had a hard time putting a pin in this Season - we had so much fun laughing with each other (and hopefully with you guys as you listened in). I also realize that we bring out the tears in a lot of our listeners, so for that - well, I’m grateful that y…
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The field of Sex Addiction has grown and expanded immensely over the last two decades, and as a result the field has a much greater understanding of not only the betraying partner but the betrayed. However, those who were in early childhood, perhaps teens, two decades ago have since grown into adulthood. As a result the sex addiction field is rapid…
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This week on RL Radio - Part Two of Moving Toward Divorce with Elizabeth Picking up where we left off, I start out with a quick recap of what we discussed in part one and then we continue to dig into more of what it looks like to journey well including having hope. Elizabeth mentions this CS Lewis quote - “One day all the sad things will become unt…
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The field of Sex Addiction has grown and expanded immensely over the last two decades, and as a result the field has a much greater understanding of not only the betraying partner but the betrayed. However, those who were in early childhood, perhaps teens, two decades ago have since grown into adulthood. As a result the sex addiction field is rapid…
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This week on RL Radio: Moving Toward Divorce - Part 1 We are delighted to have another conversation with Elizabeth from the RLW team! As you will hear, we recorded this episode in May on her, as she said, “would be” anniversary. Oh, the timing. We didn’t know this when we recorded the episode, but our podcast producers shared recently that Elizabet…
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In the second part of this moving interview, Dr. Jake asks Fran Hopwood to reflect on the healing and recovery journey that she and her late husband Richard followed over the last nine years. The focus will be on Richard and his story of transformation and growth as an individual and as part of a coupleship. Richard's early problematic sexual behav…
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This week on RL Radio - Holding Her in High Esteem How can he hold her in high esteem? Being able to do this is - per Jason, a "quick win" and something guys can start doing today to make a difference in the coupleship and in their recovery. Typically, because of the pain he is experiencing, he will disparage her (to offset the pain). To do this - …
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In this moving interview, Dr. Jake asks Fran Hopwood to reflect on the healing and recovery journey that she and her late husband Richard followed over the last nine years. The focus will be on Richard and his story of transformation and growth as an individual and as part of a coupleship. Richard's early problematic sexual behaviour re-emerged wit…
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This week on RL Radio - A Rubric for Living Out Recovery in Life What does it look like to "live out recovery” in day to day life? Maybe he is going to groups, getting therapy, not acting out - which is all great. But sometimes (oftentimes) - that can be all that is different. He is doing life the way he’s always done it otherwise. (And side note: …
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This week on RL Radio - Holding the Tension Between Two Truths In this episode we talk about holding the tension between two truths. This can be a challenge for men in recovery because of the compartmentalization that occurs with addiction. (A big part of recovery is integration - as in, breaking down those boxes.) Holding the tension between two t…
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"What if my husband won't see a therapist?" "When should we start having sex again?" "Why is he sober but still not connecting?" In this episode, Dr. Jake interviews the hostesses of the Hope for Wives podcast — Lyschel Burkett, Bonnie Burns, and Pam Blizzard. The three women are able to balance a plain-spoken, no-nonsense telling of the truth with…
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This week on RL Radio - Thomas’s story - Part Two In part two, we pick up with where we left off with one more of Thomas’s rock bottoms (in addition to the others mentioned in Part One) that became a pivotal part of his upward trajectory. Ultimately, Thomas hit a place of complete surrender which propelled him toward change, movement and growth. Th…
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This week on RL Radio - Thomas’s story - Part One Trigger Warning: We want to make sure that you protect yourself (and your children) if you choose to listen to this episode. Thomas shares his story, starting from when he was seven years old - exposed to pornography followed by years of masturbation and progressing from there. The first twenty minu…
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This week on RL Radio - part three of the Empowerment Miniseries - A “Who Knows” of Hope Oh my goodness, enjoy the first five minutes of the episode as you get a first-hand glimpse into the communication issues that are Jason and Shelley. If you don’t need any more laughs in your day, feel free to fast-forward to just shy of five minutes and you’ll…
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This week on RL Radio - part two of the Empower miniseries - Reclaiming What Was Lost {Side note: this episode made me laugh several times while I was doing these show notes. Whatever you do, listen to the very, very end of the episode. Hilarious.} We start by chatting about all the things that were lost: locations, memorable events, the entire mar…
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This week on RL Radio - we start our Empowerment Miniseries - starting with a question we have received multiple times - how can we get over the legitimate fear of seeing and interacting with “attractive” women in public. Because betrayal is an assault on our mind, heart, body and soul - most women feel exposed and discarded and less than. This mak…
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Over the last two decades, the way mental health professionals understand and treat the experience of betrayal has radically shifted from an emphasis on co-addiction and codependency to an embrace of the traumatic nature of intimate betrayal. In this conversation with Stacey Sadler, Cheryl Rogers, and Kathy Reynolds, they reflect both personally an…
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This week on RL Radio - we start by talking about adversarial language. Jason gives a lot of examples - “swim toward the sharks”, “stand in front of the firing line”, “she’s on the gurney”, “tossing him grenades". Jason then explains some of the reasons this can be an issue including - it makes the wife the enemy and dehumanizes her. It also puts h…
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This week on the RL Radio Podcast - we talk about a place a lot of women find themselves in: doing her recovery work AND his recovery work at the same time. While this might “work” for a while, at some point - she will be exhausted, worn out, and a shell of herself. So what does it look like for her to drop the rope if he isn’t doing the work? And …
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This week on the RL Radio podcast - part two of the two-part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this episode, we focus on the latter, taking ownership. I love this episode and I hope you love it, too! For a real life example - we discuss our lovely turquoise, tweed couch and …
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Welcome back to RL Radio! We are starting this fifth season with a two part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this first episode, we break down what it looks like to take the blame. Specifically this can look like taking the role of the victim (think: passive and not even ch…
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Grief: The sticky middle piece of the betrayal recovery experience and the place many partners and couples get stuck. It seems that many in Western culture have lost the intuitive communal mourning processes that are still so common in other cultures. We have individualized and privatized our grief and mourning into a strictly personal affair. But …
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Carol the Coach returns to Betrayal Recovery Radio to share more about how to heal from betrayal. In this conversation with Dr. Jake, she focuses on the stages of healing from betrayal trauma and also goes deep into the topic of posttraumatic growth. Carol also gives a sneak peak into her upcoming keynote at the Restoring Hearts Conference. Links i…
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We are inherently social beings. Our brains are wired to connect, and when we feel disconnected, we struggle. If we feel isolated, our chances of having some type of psychiatric diagnosis increases. In the brain, the mirror neuron network helps us to understand subtleties in social, emotional and linguistic interchanges. The extended mirror neuron …
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